Marriage Retreat

So we just returned from the marriage retreat. Wow, still processing, I never realized how much I dislike affection. Actually it's not that I dislike it, I become SOOOO uncomfortable seeing couples cuddle and hold eachother. I like to sit next to Andy, even hold his hand, I don't like to dance and sway or "melt" into his arms like others were describing it. I think its because to do that requires me to be vulnerable something I thought I had down but realized I don't. It was awkward during communion while Andy prayed...how weird is that, why should I feel weird or awkward. That's one thing I learned and would like to work on.

Next would be the unresolved crap with my family. I never really grasped nor understood how much my relationship with my dad has poisoned my relationship with Andy. I still don't totally get the connection, Andy is NOTHING like my dad, how in the world could I respond to him like I would my dad. It has shown in my inability to trust Andy as a leader and provider. At some point I have to forgive and not allow the sin done against me to dictate or determine my healthiness. There is so much to forgive and so many years of betrayal. I'm scared to start a family and carry this junk with me.

I was reminded how much Andy loves me and is committed to me and the health of our marriage. I love that we can laugh...all the time. I love that he trusts me. I love that he is even-keeled. I love that he is a safe place for me. I love that I am free to express myself, contradict myself and process my thoughts when they don't always make sense. He listens, he listens well and hears what I'm saying or needs even when I haven't verbally communicated it. He is so incredibly tender with me and patient. He hikes with me, even in the morning when he would rather stay in bed. He knows that after a long day at work I just need quiet and some wine and a foot rub. He cooks for me. He cleans the house when he knows someone is coming over. He is committed to our dog, he loves Charlie and won't give up on training him. He makes me laugh like no one else can. I'm feeling more and more safe at giving him access to my heart and the really hard stuff I never even knew existed until I got married. He's earned the right to tell me when I'm being a jerk and I can step back enough because I trust him and see how I've hurt someone. He hates gossip and will redirect the conversation if he thinks I'm going to gossip about someone. I love that. I love him and can't wait to be married to him for 60 years. I love our friends. I love that we have people who are for us and actively praying for us and the health of our marriage. I love Open Door. I remembered how much I love Jesus, He continues to meet every need. He gave me Andy. I love my husband!